More like bullying, assault and suicide. Oh my.

Disclaimer: I’ve not read “13 Reasons Why” nor seen the series that is spreading like wildfire across our adolescent populace. If you don’t know what I’m referring to then you either don’t have a teenager living at home or your approach to pop culture is to hold out hope the Amish will have their way in the end.

If you are the latter, I love you with the love of the Lord, but it’s time to go ahead and pick up an Entertainment Weekly.

I have 3 teenaged sons. My 18 year old watched the entire 13 episodes in 2 days…beginning on Easter Sunday. I had no idea, since he streamed it from his phone. (Can one convert to Amish?)  Anyway, a few days ago, I asked him if he’d heard of it and we talked easily and without pause, for about an hour. Almost like peers. He is very cerebral and took the content as more of a means to an end — that good story telling is a necessary art even when it violates our benign sense of the experiences of others. It was not as upsetting as it was informative to him.

I would characterize our conversation as great. A great conversation indeed! (shout out to Easter comedians everywhere)

With confidence building, I engaged my 13 year old on the matter, and interestingly, he’d heard of it for the first time earlier that day in PE. He knew instinctively this was bigger than Team Peeta or Team Gale. This was heavy. And real.  Once I turned on that faucet, the floodgates were opened. We spent considerable time on the subject of suicide and hopelessness and he asked if he could play me some songs of particular interest to him by 21 Pilots. For most of that evening we sat on the couch listening to music on his phone and discussing it. Me and my middle schooler.

I’ll take that win, technology. And I’ll raise you one; we allowed none of your other distractions.

The very next day, my 16 year old texted me that a friend of his had voluntarily checked themselves into a mental hospital for observation, struggling as they are from anxiety and depression. Opportunity, I hear you knocking. We texted back and forth a bit, then when he got home, I proceeded with caution. He told me he was doing fine and that this was a good thing in the life of his friend.

A little background on the middle son, our deep, deep well of everything has meaning. While riding along in the car he will unbeknownst to anyone else be taking video out the window, inspired by something only he noticed, and/or devise a  playlist for the errand run because why wait for an open road when today has presented us with down the street? Never miss a moment is his God-given mission.

So this conversation had potential to go a lot of different ways.

When I bravely ventured into the unknown and asked if he’d heard of 13 Reasons Why, he looked at me and said “yes, and it’s retarded”.  After the initial shock of A) him using that word and B) this very unexpected response, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Why is it that?

Because, he said, I know people going through these things and all that show is doing is messing with them. Then, when other friends not affected by these issues say it’s the most realistic thing they’ve ever watched, it leads me to conclude that I don’t need more depictions about what’s real when I know people living it. This isn’t a direct quote but it’s pretty darn close. 

Safeguarding his empathy. That’s my deep well.

Three different perspectives, three different levels of exposure, three different responses. Good art has a way of doing that.

The key to popular culture is knowing yourself first. If your kids don’t, then the responsible thing  to do is censor the intake, because knowing how you’ll digest this sort of material is essential. The next good step is discussion. Or rather, broaching the subject, then listening. The unsettling nature of what kids are exposed to or facing themselves is only getting more raw, but with thoughtful reflection, what is thrown at us from seemingly nowhere and then everywhere, can be redeemed.

I would caution against assuming these hot topics have not crossed your blissful teen’s pleasant path especially if you’ve spent the greater part of their childhood shielding them from all things sad, shocking and “worldly” as if by labeling certain aspects of this broken earth with air quotes will magically keep them at bay. Have we not lived 40-something years and not realized at least this much? The last thing we want to do is miss this softball sized lob of an opening into our teen’s willingness to share because we are a bit more righteous in our indignation than is called for.

Bottom line is each of my three vastly different Christ following children wanted to talk about stuff we rarely if ever mention in passing conversation. It was not a hard sell. I barely had to ask a question but when I did, I was not given the eye-roll, but an answer.

For that alone I could kiss the author on the mouth.

Carry on, good mothers.

Though we walk in the midst of trouble, He preserves our life… Psalm 138:7