More like bullying, assault and suicide. Oh my.
Disclaimer: I’ve not read “13 Reasons Why” nor seen the series that is spreading like wildfire across our adolescent populace. If you don’t know what I’m referring to then you either don’t have a teenager living at home or your approach to pop culture is to hold out hope the Amish will have their way in the end.
If you are the latter, I love you with the love of the Lord, but it’s time to go ahead and pick up an Entertainment Weekly.
I have 3 teenaged sons. My 18 year old watched the entire 13 episodes in 2 days…beginning on Easter Sunday. I had no idea, since he streamed it from his phone. (Can one convert to Amish?) Anyway, a few days ago, I asked him if he’d heard of it and we talked easily and without pause, for about an hour. Almost like peers. He is very cerebral and took the content as more of a means to an end — that good story telling is a necessary art even when it violates our benign sense of the experiences of others. It was not as upsetting as it was informative to him.
I would characterize our conversation as great. A great conversation indeed! (shout out to Easter comedians everywhere)
With confidence building, I engaged my 13 year old on the matter, and interestingly, he’d heard of it for the first time earlier that day in PE. He knew instinctively this was bigger than Team Peeta or Team Gale. This was heavy. And real. Once I turned on that faucet, the floodgates were opened. We spent considerable time on the subject of suicide and hopelessness and he asked if he could play me some songs of particular interest to him by 21 Pilots. For most of that evening we sat on the couch listening to music on his phone and discussing it. Me and my middle schooler.
I’ll take that win, technology. And I’ll raise you one; we allowed none of your other distractions.
The very next day, my 16 year old texted me that a friend of his had voluntarily checked themselves into a mental hospital for observation, struggling as they are from anxiety and depression. Opportunity, I hear you knocking. We texted back and forth a bit, then when he got home, I proceeded with caution. He told me he was doing fine and that this was a good thing in the life of his friend.
A little background on the middle son, our deep, deep well of everything has meaning. While riding along in the car he will unbeknownst to anyone else be taking video out the window, inspired by something only he noticed, and/or devise a playlist for the errand run because why wait for an open road when today has presented us with down the street? Never miss a moment is his God-given mission.
So this conversation had potential to go a lot of different ways.
When I bravely ventured into the unknown and asked if he’d heard of 13 Reasons Why, he looked at me and said “yes, and it’s retarded”. After the initial shock of A) him using that word and B) this very unexpected response, I couldn’t help but chuckle.
Why is it that?
Because, he said, I know people going through these things and all that show is doing is messing with them. Then, when other friends not affected by these issues say it’s the most realistic thing they’ve ever watched, it leads me to conclude that I don’t need more depictions about what’s real when I know people living it. This isn’t a direct quote but it’s pretty darn close. 
Safeguarding his empathy. That’s my deep well.
Three different perspectives, three different levels of exposure, three different responses. Good art has a way of doing that.
The key to popular culture is knowing yourself first. If your kids don’t, then the responsible thing to do is censor the intake, because knowing how you’ll digest this sort of material is essential. The next good step is discussion. Or rather, broaching the subject, then listening. The unsettling nature of what kids are exposed to or facing themselves is only getting more raw, but with thoughtful reflection, what is thrown at us from seemingly nowhere and then everywhere, can be redeemed.
I would caution against assuming these hot topics have not crossed your blissful teen’s pleasant path especially if you’ve spent the greater part of their childhood shielding them from all things sad, shocking and “worldly” as if by labeling certain aspects of this broken earth with air quotes will magically keep them at bay. Have we not lived 40-something years and not realized at least this much? The last thing we want to do is miss this softball sized lob of an opening into our teen’s willingness to share because we are a bit more righteous in our indignation than is called for.
Bottom line is each of my three vastly different Christ following children wanted to talk about stuff we rarely if ever mention in passing conversation. It was not a hard sell. I barely had to ask a question but when I did, I was not given the eye-roll, but an answer.
For that alone I could kiss the author on the mouth.
Carry on, good mothers.
Though we walk in the midst of trouble, He preserves our life… Psalm 138:7
Liz, I just started watching it yesterday. I want to know what is in it. I have asked my kids about it and didn’t get nearly as deep of conversations from any of them. But I do hope to continue in the convo with them. So glad it led to such good conversations with your 3!
Would love to hear your personal thoughts once you finish. Thanks Suz!
I just finished binge watching all the episodes myself over the last weekend. I will sadly admit I allowed my 10 year old daughter to watch the first few which were ridden with lots of bad language but were thankfully were fairly light on “discretionary material.” I will say after those first two segments, the content gets progressively more intense so I have decided not to let my kids watch with me. There are two rape scenes as well as a gruesome depiction of the main character slitting her wrists during the suicide scene. I started bawling. The emotional response this short series evokes is powerful and warrants serious discussion. I am still trying to decide if I will be open to allowing my 13 year old to view it given all the heaviness of the material but it is something every parent should watch to gain a sense of what our kids really face every day with social media, cyber bullying and the like. My vote is to stay informed about things like this and not to pray for the Amish to take over. Acting like our kids are perfect Christians who would never deal with this kind of this is a lie from the enemy! I love that it brought on such discussion for you and your family LIz! Way to step our of the box!
Thanks Jen. The only member of our family who has seen the series is Riley and he said it was not appropriate for middle school for any reason and he didn’t even think Austin (a sophomore) was probably ready for it. So I would support your decision to wait. However, most kids in HS and MS who don’t have someone censoring their intake (or know to censor/discern for themselves) have most likely seen it. That is what’s disturbing. I can’t imagine watching what you described and not discussing it with a trusted wise soul even now at my age – let alone as a teenager. And then theres the mental health piece of it too. Almost wish schools would take the time/energy to set up safe harbors for kids to be heard who have seen or read this, connected with it, but don’t know where to go from here… Anyway, my heart is burdened for the young people among us…
Thanks for tackling this hard subject, Liz. I’m encouraged by your approach and will probably try and do something like what you did. That said, I’m out of town this week and these teen fads spread like wildfire. Will it be old news by Friday? !? Such a dark, sad thing that we have to have this conversation with young people.
Totally sad and dark. I doubt its going away anytime soon and definitely not by Friday 🙂 Better gear up for the convos, my friend.
Great writing. Great content. Great perspectives! Sooo, good! Love that each kid had different ways of processing and expressing and were open to dialog with you.!
Thanks George. It was unreal to me that after our conversation on Sunday, by Wednesday all of this had transpired. So grateful for that moment in time and our circle of conscientious friends 🙂
I’m on episode 13. I was surprised when I asked Reed about it and he said he had watched the whole thing and his sophomore year read the book in health class! Good discussions for sure. Love and miss you!